


We Are Young

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Dating, Explicit Language, F/M, Flashbacks, Gay, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Kissing, Love, M/M, Male Slash, Mental Health Issues, Modern Era, References to Drugs, Relationship(s), Sad, Secrets, Slow Build, Teenagers, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-18 08:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3563054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a modern AU where Arthur was abused by Uther growing up, he makes the same mistake once with his high school boyfriend, Merlin. Years later, he is alone and guilty when he sees Merlin at a bar... with someone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

I was only 16. Merlin was my first love. Well, my only love. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing in a relationship. Neither of us did. I didn’t mean to do it. I really didn’t. I saw the ashtray leaving my hand and watched it in slow-motion fly across the room and hit his face. It was the worst moment of my young life. I never regretted anything more.

We were arguing about something dumb. I think it was about whether or not we were going to prom. Of course during the argument, deeper issues started to come up. We had been dating for nearly a year - which, in high school, was a long time - so we had plenty of issues to discuss. Neither of us were equipped to handle things properly. We were still children at the time. The ashtray shouldn't have even been there. No one in the house even smoked, it was a gift and it shouldn't have been there. But I should have known better. I thought I did, yet I was exactly who I didn’t want to be: my father.

Uther tried to be a good father. He didn’t know how to be, though. He never had a father, or a mother for that matter. His mother had him when she was 17 and his father left immediately after finding out she was pregnant. Though his mother was around occasionally, he was raised mostly by his grandmother. She was strictly old-fashioned and didn’t really want him anyway. None of this excuses how he raised me, but it is information that I believe played into his parenting.

He was always quick to anger, and his anger was fast and short. I remember his anger more than anything else about him. He never thought through his actions; if he did, he probably would have never laid a finger on me. But it was all too often that I would come to school with a new bruise to hide, or a new scar to make up a story for. I got creative lying for him, and I grew up thinking that most parents were this way. I knew I had to lie to my teachers, but I thought that’s what all kids did for their parents if they didn’t want to see them thrown in jail. That’s what Uther told me. He scared me into thinking it was all okay. He said that if I told anyone they would come and lock me up somewhere terrible too. I think he only said that because he was scared to lose me. Scared to lose power over me, maybe would be more like it, but lose me nonetheless. I was all he had left in the world. The only person he loved more than me was my mother, but she died when I was very young.

When I looked at Merlin’s face that night, his hand on his cheek and red liquid seeping through his fingers, I saw myself for a quick moment. I saw the pain that my father inflicted on me. And my heart broke. Though I was older, my father’s abuse hadn’t stopped then. It was still something I dealt with on a daily basis, and I was still making up excuses for him. I hadn’t even told Merlin about it. But when I saw what I did to someone I cared about - no, loved - my entire world came crashing down around me. I saw my father in myself and I hated it.

I hated myself. I hated what I did. I wished I could change it from the moment I saw the ashtray leave my hand. There was no remote to hit rewind. There was no big, red button to take back what I did. I had royally fucked up. And though I could blame my dad, or his grandmother, I didn’t. It was me who had picked up that ashtray. It was me who could not control my anger. It was me who had hurt someone I loved more than myself. And I had to take responsibility.

Unfortunately, that meant losing him.


	2. Chapter 1

The bar was quiet. Quiet for a bar on a Friday. Arthur sat with his beer watching the football match that was on the telly. He was in his usual booth. Gwen, Lance, and Gwaine were still not there, despite it being 25 minutes later than they said they would arrive. This was why Arthur hated arriving alone. He was always on time, and his dumb-ass friends were always late. The waitress came over one more time to check on him.

“Need anything else, Arthur?” She was three years younger than Arthur: 22. It was clear she had a huge crush on him, but he pretended not to notice.

“No thanks, Mithian.” They came here every Friday night for Trivia night, and Arthur always came alone. Lance and Gwen had been dating for four years, and Gwaine always had a string of different boyfriends or girlfriends with him each time. She knew Arthur was single, and they got along well, but Arthur was not interested. He almost wished he was. Mithian was sweet, and he desperately wanted to be close to someone again. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself that happiness ever again.

Gwaine entered the bar and made a loud noise to get Mithian’s attention. “Ayyyy! Mithian! My dear! Let’s get some beer, sweetie.” She hated Gwaine. Most people did at first. Gwaine would never let anyone know, but he was a softie at heart. He had a strong sense of right and wrong, it just didn’t always match up perfectly with the rest of the world’s. “Make that a round for the whole bar, dear.” He also flaunted his wealth far too extravagantly.

Arthur waved to Gwaine and soon Lance and Gwen appeared behind him. They all made their way over to their usual booth and sat in their regular seats. “Hey. What took you so long?”

“Nothing.” Gwen said quickly. “We were just late.”

Arthur looked at them and realized why they had purposely excluded him from their previous activity. It wasn’t that Arthur was opposed to weed, he just never got on the bandwagon with the rest of them. They respected him enough to keep him from it and wouldn’t even talk about it in front of him. They were almost too respectful. Arthur was simply uninterested. He didn’t judge them for it or anything, it was just something he didn’t feel the need to do.

Arthur took a sharp breath in. “Well then, you all ready for tonight?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Definitely. We are going to kick ass!” Gwaine spat.

“It should be a good night.” Lancelot was always a bit reserved and quiet; he kept to himself and Guinevere mostly.

Gwen pet his arm gently. “Lance and I have been trying to study up as much as possible. We have been playing a trivia game together on our phones.”

“Well, good luck team!” Gwaine held up his hand as if he had a beer in it and was making a toast.

Right on cue, Mithian walked over to the table with a tray in hand with four beers on it. “No date tonight, Harlot?” She either hated Gwaine, or knew he could take the abuse. Either way, it was hilarious to watch the two interact.

“Nope, you were working tonight,” Gwaine purred. “Maybe after you are off -” Mithian turned around, hitting Gwaine lightly in the head with her tray.

“Sorry, dear. Did I get you?”

“Don’t worry, Doll-face, I forgive you.” Mithian just shook her head at Gwaine, then smiled quickly at Arthur before returning to the bar.

Gwaine sipped his beer and winked at Arthur. “She likes you.”

“I know,” Arthur said regretfully. “She’s a nice girl. I feel bad for her.”

“Why don’t you want to date her?” Lance asked softly.

Arthur just looked at him as if he were joking. “Ummm...”

Gwaine laughed. “Lance, she ain’t got no dick.”

“Gwaine!” Guinevere shouted. Occasionally she was still surprised by Gwaine’s crude comments.

“What? It’s true isn’t it, Arthur?”

Arthur sighed, not wanting to allow Gwaine the satisfaction of being right. “I am not looking to date anyone right now, so it doesn't matter.”

Gwen took ahold of the conversation and steered the subject away from Arthur. His friends began talking amongst themselves and Arthur watched. Trivia was supposed to start in about a half hour. They liked to come about an hour early on Friday nights to not only get a good seat, but to see each other. Since high school, they rarely had an opportunity to hang out; Friday nights were the only time any of them really did anything. The only other people Arthur really made an effort to see lately were Morgana and Leon. And he only saw them because Morgana was his half-sister. He didn’t see her often either, and he didn’t really know her that well. She was ten years older than him and lived with her mother growing up. Uther tried to keep in touch with her, but she always resented him and would only call on Christmas, if Uther was lucky.

Arthur watched his friends enjoying themselves, smiling and nodding when appropriate. He was enjoying simply being around the people he cared most about. He kept busy with school and work and didn’t really come out much, unless it was trivia night. Just as the announcer, Gilli, was setting up his Trivia table at the bar, Arthur noticed two men enter. It had become more crowded since his friends arrived, and Arthur wasn’t sure whether he saw who he thought he saw. But then the people in front of him cleared away and Arthur was certain: Merlin.

He looked different, older and taller, but it was absolutely Merlin. Arthur just stared dumbly at him. Luckily, he didn’t notice Arthur, but Arthur could not stop watching him. Eventually, all of his friends were staring at him, looking at him as if he were insane.

“What’s up, Arthur?” Gwaine looked from Arthur to the bar where he was staring, but must not have recognized Merlin.

“Shit,” Arthur broke, as he snapped back into reality. “Shit.” He looked back at his friends desperately. “We should go.”

“What’s wrong?” Lance always seemed overly concerned, but this time all of Arthur’s friends’ faces matched his concern.

Arthur looked back at Merlin and realized he didn’t know how to explain it. They had all met Merlin before and knew him as Arthur’s first boyfriend, but none knew why their relationship had ended. Merlin was now at the bar; he was with a taller man. The man had short, dirty blond hair and was wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off to show his prominent muscles. He had sunglasses on the back of his head, as if he needed them at 10 o’clock at night. Merlin leaned over to the man and kissed him on the cheek.

In an instant, a flash from high-school rushed to Arthur. He was sitting in the library at lunch waiting for Merlin to return from the bathroom. Arthur was reading a book about Martin Luther King Jr. when Merlin came back from the bathroom with another guy. It was Will from Arthur’s math class. It was the first time Arthur had experienced jealousy. True jealousy. He thought he had experienced the feeling before, but in that moment he realized he had no idea what jealousy really was like. Arthur made a fool of himself asking Merlin endless questions about what he was doing walking with Will. We were just talking, Arthur. Merlin had assured him, but Arthur couldn’t rid himself of the feeling that easily.

Then Arthur was back at the bar, years later. He watched the burly man pull Merlin in and kiss the top of his head. Arthur wondered if that would have been him with Merlin if he had not -

“Holy shit! Is that Merlin?” Gwaine blurted out, saving Arthur from his pressing guilt.

Arthur looked down at his beer and nodded slightly. Gwen reached over and placed a comforting hand on Arthur’s. “You should talk to him.”

Arthur's head shot up. “No!” he said, much too quickly. “I mean… I shouldn’t.”

They all knew something else had happened between Merlin and Arthur, something Arthur would not talk about, but they never asked. “It’s been a long time, Arthur,” Lancelot agreed. “Just go say ‘hi’.”

Each of Arthur’s friends gave him a reassuring nod as he looked at them, hoping one would give him a reason not to. “I… Really?”

“Yes!” they all said in unison.

Arthur was half-way through the crowd when Gilli started explaining the rules and asking each group their team names. Arthur looked back at his table and each person shooed him on. The bar was really crowded now, and it took Arthur a moment to move past the people.

Then, Arthur made it to the bar; he had not estimated his path through the crowd accurately and was a few yards away from Merlin and his date. Arthur fought the urge to run away, back into the crowd. He wanted to run and hide forever. He couldn’t face Merlin again. But it was something he knew he wanted. Deep down. Arthur had played this conversation in his head millions of times. He played every possible reaction Merlin would give him. Arthur had a speech planned, an apology. There were so many questions he had. So many things he longed to say, after all this time.

But as Arthur pushed his way closer to Merlin, everything he had planned drained from his head. He finally reached Merlin, and said absolutely nothing. Merlin’s back was to him, so he still hadn’t noticed Arthur. There was still an opportunity to leave.

“Do you need something, Arthur?” Mithian yelled from over the bar.

Merlin turned around and looked at Arthur with at first a casual curiosity, then a sudden realization. His mouth dropped a little bit, and for a second, his face was the same as it was on that night. Then, quickly, it turned into a smile. Merlin’s smile. The one that forever would melt Arthur’s soul. “Arthur Pendragon!?”

“Merlin…” Arthur muttered as casually as he could muster. “I saw you… I came to say… How are you?”

“Good!” Merlin was doing well at pretending they had no history, or at least was doing a good job of pretending it was all good history. “I’ve been working at the library and working on my human services degree.”

“Oh really?” Arthur had been studying political science, but he recently made the switch to human services. The more he studied poly sci the more he realized it was completely useless. Arthur wanted to work directly with people, helping them. That was something he and Merlin had always shared. “I just changed my major to human services!”

“No way! What do you want to do with that?”

I want to work with clients in cases revolving around domestic abuse. Arthur paused. “Help people, ya know.”

“Right.” Merlin smiled again, looking Arthur over, as if trying to relearn his face. Arthur looked at Merlin too, searching for the differences. His hair was a bit shorter; it was pretty much the same cut, but it didn’t cover his ears anymore. Arthur had always told Merlin to cut it, but Merlin was self-conscious of his big ears. Arthur loved them. “Sorry, I’m being rude. Arthur, this is my boyfriend, Percival.”

Arthur forced a smile and offered his hand, giving no verbal response. “Nice to meet you,” Percival piped happily. Arthur wondered if Percival knew who he was.

“This is Arthur Pendragon, I knew him from high school.” A shooting pain stabbed Arthur through the chest. I knew him from high school. What was that supposed to mean? Did he not want to tell Percival that Arthur was his ex because he didn’t want to make Percival jealous? Or was he ashamed? Or maybe he just didn’t want to make things weird because Percival did know about Arthur. He didn’t know which explanation he prefered, he just knew he didn’t like that introduction.

“Well it was good to see you,” Arthur mumbled, and began to turn away.

“Stay for a drink, Arthur.” Merlin called after him, but he pretended he couldn’t hear Merlin over the crowd.

Arthur moved quickly through the mass of people trying desperately to get back to his table. His safe table, where he knew how to act around his friends. Back to the people that didn’t know his terrible secrets. Back to the people that knew who he was now and loved him for it.


	3. Chapter 2

Their team came in second to last place - in the bottom five, as always. They weren’t ever as good as they thought they were. The bar must plan around them coming every Friday, because the questions were never the same, and the team never really had an upper hand at all. Despite how the night started, Arthur did end up having a good time. His friends were polite enough not to grill Arthur about his meeting with Merlin as soon as he returned to the table.

The bar was clearing out, and it was simmering back down to the regulars, and the night-owls. Arthur was just starting to forget about the situation with Merlin when Merlin came sauntering across the room with his boyfriend.

“You’re still here?” Merlin said, not yet to the table where Arthur sat.

Arthur turned to Gwaine for help. Gwaine was always good at dealing with awkward situations. “Hey, Merlin! Do you remember me?”

“Gwaine Orkney! How could I forget you? And Lance and Gwen, how are you two doing?” Merlin had a way about him; it was impossible for him to be rude or catty. He was so good at being perfect. Arthur hated him in that moment.

“You all know each other from high school?” Percival was standing behind Merlin, with his hands on top of Merlin, massaging his shoulders slightly.

Gwaine got up from the booth. “We were just leaving. It was nice to see you, Merlin. And you’re friend here is gorgeous. Good job.” He winked at Percival who gave an awkward smile as a response.

“Well, it was good seeing you all,” Merlin remarked, as all but Arthur began to walk out of the bar.

Arthur was about to follow when Merlin caught his arm. “Seriously, Arthur. It was good to see you again. It’s been too long.” Arthur saw the Merlin from eight years ago. The one he loved with all of his heart. He was slightly older now, he had a small fold in between his eyebrows. There was a trace of shaved facial hair that Arthur thought would never appear on Merlin. He was vaguely different now, but he was still Merlin. He was still Arthur’s Merlin. His eyes still held the same youthful innocence that Arthur had always cherished. Then Arthur found the faint remnant of the scar on Merlin’s left cheek, and Arthur remembered why he was not his Merlin anymore.

“You too, Merlin.” Arthur’s face made the shape of a smile, but Arthur’s eyes screamed to Merlin everything he wanted to say. Everything he had practiced saying to Merlin after all this time. Everything he had rehearsed. Every apology, every wish to take it all back, everything he felt in that moment, and every moment he knew Merlin. Everything he couldn’t say. And Merlin knew. Merlin squeezed Arthur’s arm before releasing it, and giving Arthur one last nod before Arthur turned to follow his friends out of the bar.

 

An uneventful week passed. It was Thursday night and Arthur was lying on his couch staring at the TV, not really watching what was on. His phone buzzed loudly on the coffee table and he lazily swung his hand on top of it and pulled it towards him. It was a number he didn’t recognize.

"Hello?"

"Arthur?" It was the distinct voice of Merlin and Arthur had to compose himself a little before he responded.

"Merlin? Um. Hey. What's up?" Arthur sat up and tried sound as natural as possible.

Merlin let out a small breath, letting Arthur know he was smiling on the other end. "I know this is unexpected. I got your number from Gwaine. How are you doing?"

"Good. Umm. Gwaine gave you my number?"

Merlin laughed. "Yeah. I did a bit of digging to get ahold of you. But here I am."

Arthur had to smile at this. "Here you are. So what's going on?"

"I was wondering if you were free for lunch tomorrow?" Merlin was acting, still, as if they were simply old acquaintances who needed to catch up. Arthur should have been annoyed by this, but it was nice to hear his voice again.

"I can make myself available." Arthur said, pretending to be casual. "What time? And where?"

"I have have a few places in mind. Let's meet at noon. Can I text you the address?"

Arthur looked at his hands, trying to decide if this was actually a good idea. Whether it was or not, most of Arthur wanted to go. Maybe this was just two people catching up, or maybe Arthur would finally get the closure he had longed for. Either way, Arthur forgot every reason not to go. "That sounds like a good plan, Merlin. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Great," Merlin piped energetically. Arthur hung up, looking remorsefully at his phone. He turned off the TV and decisively got to his feet. He began to run through all the possibilities of tomorrow and tried to remind himself not to get too excited for this meeting. There was no telling what Merlin really wanted, and Arthur didn't want to come out of it disappointed.

 

The restaurant Merlin picked was just the kind of place he would pick. Everything on the menu was organic and locally grown or something of that nature. Arthur looked at the menu and didn’t recognize the names of any of his options except a sandwich. He figured he would play it safe.

Merlin was still not there yet, but that was because Arthur was ten minutes early. He sipped his water politely, rehearsing his greeting to Merlin in his head. Right on time, Merlin came strolling into the building and waved to Arthur immediately.

"Hey. Did you find the place okay?" Merlin pulled up the chair across from Arthur and smiled his dorky, wonderful smile. It was all Arthur could do not to fall in love with him all over again.

"Yeah," Arthur nodded, attempting to forget about his remaining feelings for the man in front of him. "It was fine. This place looks nice."

Merlin chuckled as he sat. "I thought you'd hate it."

"Really?" How did he still know Arthur so well? "I’d hate to admit it but..."

"I knew it!" Merlin nearly shouted with his excitement.

Arthur looked at his water glass. "Yeah, but it's not that bad. However, now that I know you did it on purpose, I don't feel so bad for hating it."

They laughed together until the waiter came to them for their orders. They both ordered drinks and made small talk till he returned with two iced teas in his hands.

"Thanks," they said together.

Merlin looked curiously at Arthur. "Do you remember when you wrote me that song?"

"Oh god!" Merlin had caught Arthur mid sip and he nearly spat out his iced tea, causing Merlin to giggle. "That was so terrible."

"It was pretty much the worst song ever, but it was adorable." The light behind Merlin silhouetted his small frame like a picture.

Arthur squeezed his napkin, ignoring the harassing thoughts in his head. "It was a really bad song."

"I thought it was sweet. You didn't even know how to play guitar but you learned three whole chords for me." He laughed. "It was really romantic. You were a perfect first boyfriend."

Arthur quickly looked at Merlin, almost glaring. "I certainly wouldn't say perfect." He looked back at the cup in front of him, guiltily refusing to meet Merlin’s eyes.

After a seemingly endless lull Merlin finally whispered, "Everyone makes mistakes, Arthur."

"It wasn’t just a mistake, Merlin, it was..." Arthur paused. "I don’t know, more than a mistake, it was... I can't think of a word worse than mistake, but that's what it was."

Despite Arthur’s serious tone, Merlin chuckled to himself. "You haven’t changed at all."

"Excuse me?" What was Merlin getting at?

"You're just you. Given, I don't know details about you now, but I know you, Arthur. I know your soul. That's what happens with your first love. You never forget who they really are."

“What?”

Another smile from Merlin made Arthur even more confused. “You are just perfectly you.”

"Why are you acting like this?” Arthur pinched his napkin again. “I don't deserve any of this. Stop being so goddamn nice, Merlin." Arthur closed his eyes and took his usual two deep breaths, while counting to ten. This always calmed him down when he started to get frustrated with a situation. He never let himself get to the point of anger.

When he opened his eyes, Merlin was still looking at him sweetly. "Can I tell you something?"

Arthur’s heart dropped. "Sure..."

"Letting you end things with me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would have fought to the death to save that relationship, Arthur. I never blamed you. Ever. I knew you would have taken it back if you had the choice. I had forgiven you the moment I saw the look on your face right after you... I know you didn't mean for it to happen, Arthur, and I knew you would never let it happen again."

"Merlin..." Arthur breathed softly.

"Let me finish," he said sternly. "After that week we didn’t speak to each other, you were supposed to come over to talk about it. I was prepared to talk about it. I was ready to accept your apology. I wanted to ask for an explanation to see why it may have happened, what provoked it, and how we could avoid it in the future. I wanted to work on it together, as a couple. Yet you went on about how you wanted to let me go, so I wouldn’t get hurt, so it wouldn’t happen again. You talked on and on about how this was what was best, all while my heart was breaking. The thing is, I knew yours was too.

“I wasn’t even upset that you didn’t want to work on it. I sorta understood why you were ending it like that, but something about you that night upset me. You were hiding something from me, Arthur. You never realized that I saw it, but I knew there was something you were keeping to yourself, something that you had not wanted to share with even me. I thought we shared everything with each other. I could see in your eyes such a deep sadness. I was hoping you would tell me, but then you looked at me for a response to your break-up, and you still hadn’t told me. Whatever it was, I still don’t know. But I knew you had kept a part of you from me, and that hurt worst of all. That hurt more than anything. So I let things end there. Looking back, it was stupid. Maybe I was reading too much into that look you had. Maybe it wasn’t really there at all. I should have respected your personal business, or respected your decision to not tell me. I should have said everything I wanted to say to you then, but I was hurt and stupid. I was young. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you end it. Because when it came down to it, of course you were going to try to protect me. You were never going to let that happen again, and you believed that in order for that to be true you had to let me go. But it was my place to tell you that it was all okay. To remind you that we could work through it. And I didn’t. I blame myself for that every day, and I’m sorry. I just wanted to say that, Arthur.”

The room had faded behind Merlin, all the background noise, everything, gone. All that was in front of Arthur was Merlin. Just Merlin. Arthur clung to every word. He was in too much of a shock to respond right away. Merlin had said so much that Arthur thought he would never hear, and honestly could have never guessed he would ever hear. As much as Arthur wanted to hold on to the past, he felt the guilt start to slip away, ever so slightly.

Then all at once, like it always did, the memory flashed again and Arthur brought himself out of his fantasy. “Why did you say that?”

“Because I’ve wanted to say that for eight years,” Merlin admitted.

But that wasn’t good enough. “But Merlin… No. What the hell? You shouldn't be apologizing to me! This isn’t right.” Arthur looked around for the waiter to tell him that they were ready for the check. He had to get out. It hadn’t been a good idea to come.

Merlin watched him angrily. “Stop it, Arthur.” Arthur’s head snapped back to him, and Arthur saw Merlin’s desperation to get Arthur to listen. “You have got to stop blaming yourself. I know how impossible that is for you. But I’m sitting here telling you I forgive you. I forgave you before you even could have processed your own guilt. So, just… Just stop.”

Arthur watched him speak and longed for his words to sink in where he knew they should. He wanted desperately to let go. He had tried for eight years to do so, but every time he made an effort to forget, memories would swarm back to him in a flood. “How can you forgive me?”

“Because it’s you, Arthur.”

The waiter came over to the table with the sandwiches that they had ordered. They both thanked him and eyed their food, but neither ate. “I really do wish I could take it back. And I am so so deeply and truly so very fucking sorry, Merlin.”

Merlin smiled knowingly. “Thank you, Arthur.”

He looked at his food and began eating while Arthur waited to build up his confidence to speak. “You were right.”

“What?” Merlin spoke through a mouthful of food.

“There was something I didn’t tell you.” Arthur couldn’t lift his eyes to Merlin’s. “I haven’t told anyone. I never thought I would.”

“Arthur -” Merlin began, but now it was time for Arthur to speak.

“Wait, Merlin. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, I just never could. It was too hard. You were the only person I could have imagined telling. It was just something I had kept hidden for so long, I didn’t even know what words to use. I did want to tell you, Merlin, but after everything that happened, I didn’t want to cheapen it by making it sound like that was an excuse. It wasn’t. It shouldn’t have been. Yes, you deserved to know, but I had to take responsibility for my own actions, Merlin. I wasn’t going to cheat us of that.” A tear pooled in Arthur’s eye, and threatened to fall down his cheek. Arthur wiped it quickly and smiled regretfully at Merlin. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner.”

“I understand that. I do.”

“I know you do.” There was a moment where Arthur had forgotten where they were, and that it was indeed eight years later. Eight years too late to have this conversation. “It was my father. He…” Arthur still didn’t have the right words to say. He didn’t know how to tell Merlin, still, after all this time. “He, as you know, had a lot of anger problems. He didn’t ever mean to hurt me, but sometimes -”

“Arthur…” Merlin's brow deepened with concern as he put together what Arthur was getting at. “I should have known.”

“It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter now.” Arthur shook his head slightly, trying to erase the memories like an etch-a-sketch.

That didn’t satisfy Merlin; he still looked deeply worried. “Of course it does, Arthur. I’m so sorry.”

“Can we please change the subject?” Arthur desperately wanted this conversation to end. He certainly didn’t want to talk about his issues with his father for the first time in a restaurant. But even more so, talking about them in general was bringing up more memories than Arthur would have liked to deal with in that moment.

Merlin sat up straight and picked up his sandwich again. “I’m glad we met up for lunch, Arthur. Thank you for this.” He smiled at Arthur. He didn’t want to stop talking about it, but since Arthur had asked, of course, Merlin being Merlin, he would do it for Arthur’s sake.

“Yeah. Me too. Thank you, Merlin. I’m glad we finally talked. It was long overdue.” Arthur picked up his own sandwich and remembered how hungry he was. “Now we can start a good friendship.”

Merlin didn’t respond, and after a moment of chewing, Arthur finally looked at him. His face quickly shifted into a fake smile and he nodded at Arthur before looking back at his food. “Yeah. Good friends. Just friends.”

Arthur stilled. He felt he could read Merlin well, but he didn’t want to assume anything, so he chose to ignore Merlin’s behavior. “So. Tell me about Percival. How did you two meet?”

“Oh. Um. Online actually. I needed a flatmate, and his was the only response I got. Then we sorta started dating right after he moved in.”

“Well, you got lucky then, I guess.” Arthur shifted in his seat, already regretting this conversation topic.

Merlin bobbed his head. “I guess. We only met like two weeks ago.”

“Hm. I wouldn’t have guessed with how you two were acting the other night.” Arthur realized he was sounding a bit rude, so he tried to cover that with a smile.

Merlin just looked at him, as if he wanted to say a sarcastic comment back, but he held his tongue. “Yeah, well. It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“What?”

“Nothing. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?” Arthur wanted to go back to Merlin's previous comment, but judged it unwise.

I haven’t dated anyone since you, Merlin, was what he wanted to say, but could only muster a quick, “Nope.”

“Hm.”

The restaurant either got more busy at that moment, or Arthur had just become more aware of how crowded it actually was in there. Either way, Arthur focused on his sandwich and tried to ignore the awkwardness at his table. They finished the meal with few words exchanged between them. Arthur paid for the meal, and they walked out of the restaurant together.

It was bright out and it took a moment for Arthur’s eyes to adjust. “Well, it was good seeing you.” Arthur stuck out his hand, hoping that was the right move in this situation.

Merlin just shook his head and smiled at Arthur. “Thank you again for meeting up with me. I am really glad we did this.” Before his sentence was finished, Merlin had already pushed Arthur’s hand out of the way, and had thumped his body against Arthur’s for a hug.

After the initial shock Arthur remembered Merlin’s body. How his small frame fit perfectly in Arthur’s for the most amazing hugs. He was back in high school, holding his boyfriend again. The warmth between them, as always, sent chills through Arthur. His body tingled with excitement from the memories that came with the hug. Then, all at once, it was over and Merlin was pulling away. It was all Arthur could do not to pull him back in again.

The shorter man looked up at Arthur and grinned sillily. “Are you going to Trivia tonight?”

“Yeah, we go every Friday. Are you going?” Merlin seemed satisfied that Arthur had asked him.

He nodded quickly. “I’ll see you tonight, Arthur.”

Seeing him walk away was painful, but the anticipation of seeing him again was overpowering. Arthur grinned, watching Merlin walk to his car. He turned to find his own, and wondered if this friendship would prove to be as good as it felt. Arthur was glad to see Merlin. He looked forward to a friendship with him. That was the most he could hope for at this point and Arthur was ready to take what he could get.


	4. Chapter 3

Lance and Gwen were actually at the bar before Arthur. Normally Gwaine would come with them, but maybe he had come separately tonight.

Arthur sat with his friends. "Where is Gwaine?"

"He's not coming tonight," Gwen answered. "He didn’t say why, he just said he wouldn't make it."

"Well maybe we will actually win tonight without him alway buzzing in instantly without knowing the answer." They all laughed at how accurate that could actually be. Then Arthur looked at the front door. "So... Merlin is coming tonight. Mind if he joins our team?"

There was a pause as Gwen and Lancelot exchanged looks. "You are talking to Merlin now?" Lance asked hesitantly.

"Yeah. What's the big deal? You guys were the ones who pushed me to talk to him last week." Arthur was suddenly too defensive.

Guinevere looked at Arthur with her understanding motherly look she always gave him right before she gave him advice. "We just don't want to see you get hurt, Arthur. That's all."

"We are just friends. I promise. Nothing more. He has a boyfriend and I truly don't want to date anyone right now. I will be fine." Now Arthur was calm.

He smiled again at them, as Mithian approached them, halting the conversation. "Can I get you guys something to drink?"

"Four beers would be great, Mithian. Thanks." Before she left the table, Merlin walked into the bar. Arthur sat up straighter and waved him over.

Mithian looked from Arthur to Merlin, and then back at the group. "Coming right up," she whispered sadly.

Merlin sat next to Arthur in the booth. It was then Arthur realized Merlin was alone. He could have asked where Percival was, but Arthur didn’t really care, so why pretend? He was just glad to have Merlin to himself. The group talked easily together till Gilli started up Trivia again.

For once they were actually doing well. It may have been because Gwaine wasn’t there, like they had joked about, but Arthur guessed it had more to do with Merlin. He had always been smart. That was one thing Arthur had always liked about him: he was a nerd. He always had been. So in Trivia, he was answering most of the questions for the team and was getting them all right.

"We might actually get sixth place tonight," Arthur laughed after Merlin answered a question about Euler’s theorem, which Arthur had never even heard of.

"You're hoping for sixth? I was aiming for a bit higher than that." Merlin finished his second beer and sheepishly looked up at Arthur.

Arthur saw Gwen and Lance watching him. He and Merlin had been getting along well all night. Too well. But Arthur knew it was just friendly banter, nothing more. Lancelot and Guinevere were wrong. "We don't usually do this well; I think you are our good luck charm, Merlin. You'll have to come around more often."

"I definitely will." Merlin was looking stupidly adorable tonight.

Arthur pulled himself out of his tipsy haze. Maybe his friends had been right. Maybe he would get himself hurt. Whatever he was feeling for Merlin right now was brought on by nothing more than nostalgia and a long overdue resolution to a high school breakup. Though they had talked about it, Arthur still had messed up too horribly to fix. The most Arthur could allow was a friendship. Arthur didn’t deserve what he hoped for, and what he hoped for was impossible anyway. Merlin had a boyfriend. So that was that.

Arthur excused himself and went to get another round of drinks from the bar. "Hey, Mith. Could I get another round?"

"Sure thing, Arthur." As she pulled the tap lever she watched Arthur sadly, who must have looked just as sad. "Who is that guy you are with?"

"He's, um..." Arthur turned around to look at the table. Merlin was laughing at something and Lance was making some weird face. He even got Lance to act silly; how did Merlin do it? "He's just... he's Merlin." Arthur smiled as he turned back to Mithian.

She frowned and finished her task. "There you go, Arthur."

"Thanks." Arthur didn’t know why she was acting so hurt. How could she know their past, or Arthur's feelings? And what businesses was it of hers anyway? Arthur was getting tired of other people making him feel guilty for being around Merlin. He was tired of feeling guilty all the time. And he realized, walking back with the drinks, he really missed Merlin.

"Hey, Arthur. Remember umm, what was her name, Elena... remember when she asked you how it rained?" Merlin was laughing so hard he was crying.

Arthur handed them their beers and smiled at the memory. "She was sweet, but the poor girl was so dumb."

"But do you remember your response?" Arthur got to his spot next to Merlin and shook his head. "You told her that there were giant dragons in the sky that spit."

Arthur laughed. "Oh yeah. Oh my god. She almost believed me." He and Merlin laughed again, and then Merlin’s hand was on Arthur’s shoulder. Arthur was acutely aware of it, but made no motion to pull away. He acted as if the move was natural.

Again, Gwen narrowed her eyes at Arthur, trying to remind him of his own words. Just friends. But Merlin’s hand belonged there. It felt like part of Arthur had been found again. However, Gwen was right, though she didn't know why. Arthur couldn’t let himself enjoy this moment or what it could have meant. So he reluctantly pulled his shoulder out from under Merlin’s hand.

 

Throughout the next week, Merlin and Arthur had gotten together a few more times. Each time they hung out it had been just the two of them. They fell right back into the closeness they used to share. The fact that it was platonic now changed nothing. Arthur was reminded of every detail he had forgotten about Merlin. With each passing hour they spent together, Arthur grew more attached. It was difficult to believe that they had only seen each other a handful of times since they had met up for lunch only a week prior.

It was Friday night again. They were supposed to go to Trivia together. Arthur was going to meet Merlin at his place and they would carpool from there. Arthur hadn’t been to Merlin’s flat yet; it was odd to be reminded that eight years had passed and that Merlin was an adult now. They both were. Arthur regretted how much time he had allowed to pass without ever thinking to reach out to Merlin. But Arthur couldn’t let himself think about that now. He had Merlin back.

Arthur knocked on Merlin’s door, hoping it would not be Percival who answered. Merlin was quick to open the door, though he was wearing just a towel. “I’ll be just a minute.” Merlin rushed back into the apartment and Arthur tried to make himself comfortable as he waited for Merlin to return.

The flat looked very messy. It was exactly how Merlin’s bedroom in high school was kept. Always dirty. There was a pile of magazines on the couch that Arthur carefully moved to the coffee table before seating himself. He scanned the room, looking for items that were distinctly Merlin’s. There were some boxes that were probably Percival’s, but mostly everything in the room had to belong to Merlin. A canvas with a half finished painting. A carton of soy ice cream lying on the floor. A book titled Reasons to Love Owls. A red sweater -

Arthur’s heart stopped. It couldn’t be the same sweater. Arthur’s red sweater he had worn nearly every day. It was already so worn and faded. But lying across the chair was a sweater that looked to be the exact same one. Arthur rose and walked slowly to it. Had Merlin kept it this whole time? It was more worn than Arthur remembered. He picked it up; he could smell the faint scent of Merlin on it. Without really thinking about what he was doing, Arthur hugged it, just as Merlin walked back into the room.

He had already been caught, so Arthur didn’t even try to hide what he was holding. He just turned to Merlin inquisitively. “You still have this?”

Merlin slowed, then stopped on the other side of the room when he saw what Arthur was holding. “Of course I do.”

“I thought you would have thrown it out by now.” Arthur looked down at the raggedy cloth in his hand. Surely it served no practical use to Merlin anymore; it had so many holes in it at this point.

Merlin moved forward to where Arthur stood. “I couldn’t give up the last piece of you I had, Arthur. I had to keep it.”

“But -”

“It was all I had left of you. I thought it was all I could ever have of you, and I wanted what I could take, as small as it may have been.” Merlin watched Arthur, and inched forward again.

Arthur finally looked at Merlin, and regarded the space still between them with longing. In an instant, everything Arthur had been trying to keep buried over the past week came flowing up. Arthur longed to close that space between them and be with Merlin. He loved Merlin for who he was then and for the man who was standing in front of him now. Arthur squeezed the red sweater in his fist again and took two deep breaths. Though this time, his count to ten was not to calm himself down, it was to make a decision.

But he had no time to decide for himself, Merlin had already closed the gap between them. He was inches away, looking up at Arthur with the distinct expression Arthur remembered so well. The expression that was only Arthur’s. The expression that made Arthur wish he could take every perfect little thing that made up Merlin and bottle it up and drink it down in one gulp.

Merlin’s ears stuck out of his dark brown hair. That was what Arthur touched first. Then he moved his fingers through that hair that was so thick and smooth all at once. Merlin’s eyes widened slightly, as they always did right before a kiss. Arthur should have been cautious, he should have thought things through, he should have been nervous, but he wasn’t. The moment was instinctive. It was conditioned into them since the beginning of time itself. And in that twinkle of a second, they were absolute.

Arthur had forgotten the pleasure he could feel from a kiss. From a touch. Merlin’s lips had always been made to make Arthur squirm. But soon Merlin’s arms were around him and Arthur remembered how badly he could want something. Arthur was right where he belonged, right back to where he had always needed to be. With Merlin.

But then the situation revealed itself for what it really was. “Shit,” Arthur pulled away. He was in Merlin’s apartment. An apartment Merlin shared with Percival. “Shit.”

“What’s wrong, Arthur?” Merlin asked, with a distressed look on his face.

Arthur put the sweater back on the chair and took a few steps backwards. “What are we doing? Shit. We shouldn’t be doing this. We are supposed to be just friends, remember? And Percival. Fuck, Merlin you have a boyfriend.”

“No I don’t,” Merlin said as if he was telling Arthur the time.

“What…”

“I haven’t had a boyfriend for two weeks.” Merlin shrugged and waited for Arthur to put the pieces together.

Arthur looked at the couch, for some reason, then at the sweater, then back at Merlin. “You and Percival broke up?”

“We called it off the night I saw you at the bar.” He waited for Arthur to compose himself, as calm and patient as always. “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn't want you to feel like I was rushing back into anything. But I just couldn’t be with him any longer after seeing you again, Arthur.”

“But -”

“You were the only one I was ever going to be with.” He moved forward again. Arthur started to shake. He was relieved, but still confused. Merlin took Arthur’s hands and interlocked their fingers. “I still can’t be without you, Arthur.”

Everything flashed through Arthur’s mind in a burst. First, the reasons why he shouldn’t do this, then came all the reasons he should. Everything Merlin had said was accurate. Arthur needed Merlin; without him Arthur was broken and lost. Though his solitude stemmed partly from his guilt, it was mostly from missing his other half. Merlin was all that Arthur needed. Arthur had royally fucked up, but the biggest mistake was letting Merlin go. “I can’t be without you either, Merlin. I’m not whole without you.”

They were kissing again, and Arthur couldn’t get enough. He had to make up for all the lost time. Eight years was too long, and that was eight years that he would never get back. Arthur need more: more time, more happiness, just more of Merlin. After some time, Merlin pulled away and looked at Arthur with his stupidly perfect grin. “I love you forever, Arthur.” And Arthur’s heart broke.

“Merlin…” Arthur began, but the words burned out before he could speak them. He pulled away from Merlin and moved back to the couch. “I can’t do this.”

Merlin followed, like a lost puppy, and sat next to Arthur. “Arthur.” He must have known what Arthur was thinking, because he placed his arm around him and laid his head on Arthur’s shoulder. “Please don’t do this again.”

“I can’t hurt you again, Merlin. I can’t be my father. I’m scared that something might happen...”

“It won’t,” Merlin stated instinctively. “You are not your father, Arthur. You’d never let that happen again.” For the first time in eight years, Arthur really started to believe that.

“Why are you so perfect?” Arthur turned to Merlin and placed a hand on Merlin's knee.

Merlin smiled and put his hand on top of Arthur’s. “I’m not. And neither are you. We aren’t perfect, Arthur. No one is. But we are perfect for each other. I’m just what you need, and you are just what I need. We were not just meant to be together, Arthur, we need to be together.” Arthur leaned in close, soaking in every truth Merlin spoke. “We can overcome anything as long as we have each other.”

Arthur closed his eyes and shut out the rest of the world. It was just Merlin. But it had always been just Merlin. He was all Arthur had ever lived for. They were made up of the same substance. They were two parts of one full. Without Merlin, Arthur was nothing.

Arthur was ready to start again. To find out who he really was, with Merlin. He would live with his mistakes, but somehow with Merlin by his side, he would overcome anything.


	5. Epilogue

Walking into the bar with Merlin for Trivia brought on some surprising anxiety. Arthur was nervous about what his friends would say. Gwen and Lance didn’t want Arthur to get hurt, yet they hadn’t known how Merlin felt. It had been a long time since Arthur had to introduce his friends to a boyfriend, and the last time he did this was with Merlin anyway. Arthur took a deep breath, but his confidence came from Merlin, who was so assured of himself. Merlin took Arthur’s hand and pulled him to the group.

Arthur noticed that Percival was with them, and he could feel his stomach become lead. “Hey everyone!” Merlin was acting too happy. Well, that wasn’t possible, because Merlin always acted that way. He didn’t let anything dampen his spirits.

“Hey, Arthur! Merlin. How are you two?” Gwaine winked at Arthur making him feel as if Gwaine had figured it all out. But then again, he was sitting awfully close to Percival. “You remember Percival, right Arthur?” Why was Gwaine introducing Percival -

Arthur had to stop himself from verbally responding with an “Oh”. Everything made a bit more sense now. Gwaine was totally the type to swoop in where he didn’t belong, and Merlin did say that he and Percival broke up after the bar that night. It kinda made sense, and now Arthur could look at Percival for who he really was.

With Merlin, Arthur had hated Percival, but that was only because he was with someone whom Arthur felt very possessive over. But with Gwaine he was sweet and kind and very polite. Gwaine needed someone polite; he didn’t really have a good history with nice guys, or girls. He just attracted a very rude type. But Percival fit so well with Gwaine, Arthur realized he was very happy with how the situation had worked itself out.

“You going to sit?” Lancelot finally broke in. The conversation must have continued, but Arthur was paying attention to Merlin. Maybe he had rushed back into things quickly, like Gwen and Lance were afraid of, but Merlin and Arthur had always done that. They kissed after only knowing each other for a few hours, at the most. They always rushed things, but that was only because their time was limited. True, they had a lifetime to be together, but somehow that didn’t seem like enough.

 

“Did you know I love you?” They were back at Arthur’s flat. Merlin had insisted he was too drunk to drive himself home, though he only had one beer. Arthur drove Merlin’s car to his own place and Merlin refused to leave. Arthur was content with the prospect of Merlin spending the night. Now they were in Arthur’s bed and Merlin was acting, as usual, comfortably confident and so in love with Arthur.

“How could I not know, Merlin? That would be like forgetting what color the sky is.” Arthur pulled Merlin in closer to him and they nuzzled together.

They were silent for a moment, while Arthur analyzed the situation he now found himself in. After all this time, he finally had Merlin in his arms again. This was all he ever wanted, but it still felt like something was off. Arthur was afraid he knew what it was, but wanted to deny his feelings.

But then, as his memories had always done, a flash of white come over Arthur and he jerked away from Merlin. “What’s wrong?” Merlin asked hurriedly as he sat up and switched on the lamp by his head.

“Fuck,” Arthur whispered, rubbing his eyes. “I’m sorry, Merlin. I’m trying.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Arthur’s heart melted; until that point Arthur didn’t want to talk about it, but Merlin made it impossible to say no.

Arthur scooted closer to Merlin, doing his best to articulate his feelings. “I want to be happy again, I want to let go, but the memories of you… of my father… of everything, I can’t. I can’t let them go.”

Merlin took Arthur’s hand in his, and covered it with his other hand. “Arthur, look at me.” Arthur obeyed. “I know it must be difficult. And I know that not much time has passed since we talk about everything. But I’ll always be here to support you.”

“I know, Merlin.”

Merlin squeezed his hand. “Seriously, Arthur. I mean it. I know we were only in high school when we first dated, and I know we only recently got in touch again, but I’m in this for the long haul. I’m in this 100%, Arthur. You are all there is for me. Whether you like it or not, I’m going to be here to help you get through this. This is something I know you want to work on, and I know you want to move past. Because you are part of me, Arthur, I want to work on it too. Your struggles are mine and mine are yours. You’re stuck with me.”

For the first time in eight years, Arthur believed that he would finally be able to put the past where it belonged. In the past. Arthur had been young and made a terrible mistake, but he had worked his whole life since to make up for it and he believed he would continue to do that. Though, now, he had Merlin by his side, which only made him stronger. “I know it won’t be easy, but just having you here has already made it considerably easier. I know I can’t change what I did, but I want to work on overcoming it. And with you, I know I will. I’m yours forever, Merlin.”

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of the song We Are Young by Fun.


End file.
